May 31st *Triggering*
Why is that people enjoy spreading shit? Don’t they see how it can affect others? I wish I actually had the courage to walk up to those people again and tell them what’s happened, tell them how they’ve hurt me and tell them to stop. I stopped talking to or about them over four months ago, I cut them out of my life, so why don’t they have anything better to do than make my life miserable from a distance?
I want to be happy, I want people to think I’m happy at the very least. Instead I’m sitting in my bathroom, doing everything I can to not open my cupboard and get my blade out. I want to beat this, but I can’t make it a week without a relapse. I just want all of this to end. I don’t want to want to die. I don’t want to want to cut myself anymore. I don’t want to feel the need to starve myself. But I do, I do all of those things when I’m alone, and I can’t take it. Mum being away just makes it all too easy, and hiding it is easy now too.
I just wish that people would appreciate the fact that they can influence others, and change their mood dramatically. A simple smile, or hug, or comforting look even would do. I want to talk to my ex friends, ask them what happened, why they hate me. But I can’t. All I know is that they do hate me, and I’m worthless, a worthless, useless, waste of space. Let’s be honest, anyone I truly like is embarrassed to be seen with me, I’m a disgrace. Why do I even bother?
May 23rd
Final exam tomorrow, AHHHH.
Did my 6K run today, I’m still fat, don’t worry. My mum apologised for Sunday and started crying, which is seriously not what I needed today, but I guess it always has to be about her in this relationship.
Planning my resits already, goodbye Christmas holiday…
May 20th
I want to slice my wrists and hips raw. I just had a panic attack in the toilet of the gym and now I’m scared to come out. I hate myself, I’m nothing but trouble and I don’t fucking care anymore.
16th May
M1, C1 and politics today with overnight isolation because of timings and English. Wish me luck guys, I won’t be online until tomorrow afternoon! X
